


We Don't Know How To Die Quietly

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Series: Fiki Week October 2016 [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Characters May Appear, Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, FiKi Week, Frerin is alive, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Suicide Attempt, Thorin and Frerin Try To Be Dads, Thrain is an Asshole, Warnings May Change, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-08-27 18:19:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8411692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: The world they knew ended when a Virus swept through the country and possibly the world. Somehow, Fili and Kili managed to survive the Virus that killed everyone they knew. Now, they're driving from state to state trying to find other survivors, or maybe trying to do a little surviving of their own. Fili is trying to deal with his own reactions and demons and well as take care of his brother who was damaged long before the Virus hit. Kili is trying to find meaning both inside and outside of his own mind. With everything that has changed, does that mean that they can change, too?  With the world ended and society gone, does that mean that they are still bound by the rules that shaped them their whole lives? Or has the end of the world given them a new beginning to life?





	1. Not From The Stars Do I My Judgement Pluck

**Author's Note:**

> For Day Two of FiKi Week: Original or **Cliche**

Kili had never thought that he would ever get used to the silence of the world around them. After all, it made no sense to him that after being surrounded by the noise that came from day to day living in a big city he would ever become accustomed to the silence of the world once it ended.

Once society and the life they had known was destroyed.

Now, when there was a lack of quiet around them, it meant that there was usually trouble. At least if it was noise that wasn’t of their own making. 

He turned his head against the seat to look at Fili as he drove. Fili had pulled his hair back in a ponytail so that his hair would keep out of his face while they were on the move.

They were lucky that they had been able to find a still working car two states ago and that they knew how to siphon gas out of other vehicles without killing themselves. He had taught Fili and so far, his older brother hadn’t bothered to ask him how he knew that trick. Then again, they had bigger things to worry about than what kinds of activities he had been up to while Fili was away at school.

Kili once again thanked every deity he had ever studied that Fili had been on vacation at home when the disaster hit. He would have gone out of his damn mind or died if he had lost his brother. It was enough that it had been a near thing in that when he fell ill he had been too weak and then too unconscious to go out looking for his brother. The nightmares he had about Fili dying and how he died had tortured him because he hadn’t been able to fight off the illness to wake up from them. 

His brother later told him that he had thought his mind had been broken from everything because he didn’t speak for a week after he regained consciousness. He had never seen Fili look so haggard and completely scared as he had when he had finally opened his eyes to look into the blue ones of his brother.

Fili didn’t ask about the nightmares, but Kili knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t care about them. He knew his brother and he knew that he was aware that something haunted him in a deeper way than the world ending had.

He had lost everything in his world except for the most important treasure in his life and as long as he still had Fili with him, he would be able to cling to life and what was left of his sanity for a little bit longer. 

His sanity that he wasn’t even sure he had a firm grasp on most days. The things he had seen since waking up to find that all but a small population of the people in the world were dead had him sometimes convinced that he was in a nightmare of his own making. Sometimes he thought that this was all something he had dreamed up because his own mind was torturing him for the things he had wanted or done before all of this happened.

“Stop it.”

The voice was gravelly and Kili opened eyes he didn’t realize he had closed to flick them over again to see that his brother was now looking at him. There was a crease in the middle of his forehead that was a sign of the concern he was feeling right now.

“Stop what?” Kili knew that he sounded confused and that was because he was confused. He pulled back to lean against his door, not sure what he had done to upset his brother. Fili was the one thing he had left and if he lost him, he didn’t think that he would want to go on.

_There had been so much blood and pain behind his eyes. Fire and the flash of something--_

“You’re letting your mind fuck with you again.”

Kili hunched his shoulders and looked away. “Sorry.”

“Kee, don’t. I’m not upset with you. You can’t help what your brain does to you now any more than you did before the world went to hell.” He reached over with his free hand and grabbed one of Kili’s hands. “This shit, it’s real. The world ended and almost everyone died. You almost died, for a little while there, I thought you were going to. We’re alive and somehow, we’re going to stay alive. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Kili.”

“I can’t always --”

“I know. That’s not your fault, Kee. It never has been no matter what other people used to tell you.” Fili looked back through the windshield. “We should probably find a place to sleep for the night. The sun will be going down soon and we need to make sure we have food, as well.”

Kili nodded. “I can hunt if we need me to. There’s still woods around or if we hit another farm that works, too.”

“We can also keep raiding stores and houses around where we hole up for the night.” 

“All right. We should still be able to do that in the bigger places for a little while, but we do need meat. Our bodies require it for survival.”

Fili didn’t like letting Kili disappear to hunt them some kind of animal to eat. He didn’t like letting him out of his sight when he had come so close to losing him when all of the chaos started. He preferred that they do raids while there was still food readily available. They were mostly finding canned goods and non-perishables since the power grids had failed some time ago, but that was fine with him. They could make do on things like that for quite awhle. He liked having meat when Kili hunted but with Kili struggling today to keep his mind in the present, he didn’t want to chance something happening to him when he was out of his sight.

He’d never forgive himself or handle it at all well if Kili was hurt or worse because he was trying to take care of him.

Sometimes, when they drove like this and the car was full of a comfortable silence, both thought back to how the world was before the Virus took everyone. Back before there were endless roads of cars and dead bodies in most of the places they were forced to camp out in. Back when there were radio stations, satellite tv, internet connections and phone service. Back before they weren’t sure if they were going to survive into the next day or not. Back when even if things didn’t always make sense, they would find a way to get through them and put all of the pieces together.

Back when there were reasons that they could point to in order to keep themselves in better check.

Only now, now when they had been alone and hadn’t seen another living human being in at least two months, they both started thinking and wondering why they let so many of the laws and thoughts of old rule them today. Today when any day or moment could quite literally be their last.

The Virus had swept through the world without warning and in the days before communications broke down, there had been plenty of blame to go around. Some governments blamed each other, saying it was an act of war. Except, that made no sense to people because it was happening everywhere. At least, that was what the brothers had gained separately in their minds from watching the news and the internet in the days when it had all began.

After blaming it as an act of war, the blame turned to places closer to home. In the States, it quickly became the popular idea that their current government had used the military to do this to them. That also made very little sense to the Durin brothers since the Virus didn’t spare the government leaders and apparently very few of the military leaders, either.

When the deaths started piling up, it became less about blame and more about panic and then trying to survive.

Fili didn’t think that they would ever find out the truth of what caused the Virus -- even if he really wanted answers as to why his life had been destroyed. His life hadn’t always been easy, but it had made a certain kind of sense and it was _his_. To have it all taken away by forces beyond his control was something that he still had a hard time wrapping his mind around.

As for Kili… well, he still wasn’t sure exactly what went on in his brother’s mind about all of this. He held him close to him as they slept and he comforted him through his nightmares, but he didn’t press and he didn’t ask too many questions. All of his life, Kili had been pressured and questioned and placed into categories and Fili wasn’t going to be guilty of doing the same thing to him. 

Thinking about Kili made him give his brother another glance out of the corner of his eye and his heart lurched a little when he saw the tension in his jaw. That usually meant that something was pulling at his mind, again, or that he was thinking too deeply about things that upset him and that he was afraid to share with him. 

“You should play something,” Fili suggested, relieved when Kili turned and looked at him. “Pull your guitar up front and play something. It would probably help us both relax.” 

“I don’t want to impede your driving, Fee.” 

The quiet voice made it hard for Fili not to tighten his hands on the steering wheel. Not for the first time in his young life he wanted to punch the members of their family for making Kili question doing the things he was good at and loved to do. He wanted to punch them for the tone of voice that said his brother was having one of those many moments where he doubted himself or was afraid to bother anyone. 

“You won’t impede my driving, Kee, I promise.” He managed to give his younger brother a smile. “Play for me?” 

It was a dirty trick, but one that often worked well. Fili knew that Kili would do almost anything to please him and make him happy. Fili didn’t like feeling he was manipulating and controlling his brother -- too many people had done that all of his life -- but in times like these, he would do anything to give him some security. 

Maybe that was one good thing about the apocalypse: it gave Kili the freedom he had never had before. If he could help him heal, then Fili might decide that losing everything and falling into hell was worth it after all. 

It took a few more moments of Kili trying to read his face and Fili trying to silently encourage him, before Kili finally turned in his seat to lean over to the back seat. He carefully opened up the guitar case and then gently pulled his guitar into the front seat. His hands gently caressed the instrument before he started playing one of his favorite songs by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

“ _If I leave here tomorrow… would you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now… ‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see..._ ”

Fili always liked watching and listening to his brother play. It was something that he threw himself into completely and it was when he was playing that his inner demons didn’t seem to have sway on him.

As the first few strains of music filled the car, Fili let his hands relax again and let his thoughts wander back to all that had happened to bring them to the point they were at now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Full disclosure:** This idea popped into my head and exploded when I came across a list on Tumblr of Cliche AUs storylines that one writer put together saying that people shouldn't write as much or should avoid. Dystopia was on the list and one of my favorite series of books talks about a virus that was released wiping out the population. Therefore, it seemed like I should run with the Plot Cougar that roared into my head.


	2. Can't Tell If I've Been Breathing or Sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili thinks back over their lives before the Virus hit. He doesn't like the memories of their childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Reference to abuse and mental issues.
> 
> I had to break up this chapter because it got really long. The next chapter will carry events up to the present time from Fili's point of view.

Fili was ten and Kili was seven years old when their lives were changed irrevocably the first time.

He was ten years old when his parents were killed in a fatal car accident when they were out one night. That was bad enough. What made everything even worse was what their grandfather did to them immediately after.

Thrain Durin ran his business and his family with the same iron fist. His rules were the law. What he said happened was the way things went no matter what anyone wanted. At ten years old, Fili wasn’t able to protect his little brother for the first time in their short lives. Even as he grew older, he couldn't get rid of the guilt from that first failure.

Thrain made the decision that the two brothers were too close and for their own good needed to be separated. He said that Fili would be going to live with their uncle, his oldest son, Thorin. Thorin would raise Fili and groom him as the one to take over the family business after Thorin. His youngest son, Frerin, would help Thrain keep and raise Kili.

Both sets of brothers begged and pleaded for Thrain to reconsider and not tear the boys apart. Thorin and Frerin raged that tearing them apart would only do further damage to them. Fili and Kili had clung to each other, Fili trying to calm his hysterical baby brother down. In the end, though, no amount of begging, pleading or fighting managed to sway Thrain from his decision.

For the first time in seven years, Fili was alone without his constant shadow.

The first few nights, Fili wasn’t sure what to do or how to react. Not only were his parents never coming back, but now he had lost his brother, too. He was upset and angry with his uncle. Thorin knew how important his little brother was to him and he had still taken him away from him.

However, Thorin did his best to earn his nephew’s trust. He was calm and accepting of his oldest nephew’s anger and confusion. He never raised his voice at Fili even when Fili was yelling at him with all of the anger of a wounded child. In fact, Thorin took time off of work to spend with Fili.

_“I want my brother. He needs me. I’m supposed to take care of him.”_

_“I know, son, I know.” Thorin was always patient. “I’m trying to change your grandfather’s mind and I won’t give up. Kili needs you, I understand.”_

_“Then, please, take me to him, Uncle Thorin. Please! I need to get him back before something bad happens to him.”_

_“Nothing bad will happen to him, Fili. Your uncle Frerin won’t let him be hurt.”_

It wasn’t until Fili was older that he understood the pain that he later remembered hearing in Thorin’s voice for many years. It wasn’t until then that he realized that Thorin had never once said that Thrain would protect Kili; only that Frerin would look after him.

Thrain didn’t allow Thorin to bring Fili to visit with his brother for several weeks. He said that it was to make the change to their lives easier and cause them less distress as they got used to their new circumstances. It wasn’t for a few years that Fili understood that their grandfather wasn’t as concerned about their happiness and adaptability as he appeared to be.

The first time Fili got to see his brother after their separation, he was too happy to finally be spending time with him that he didn’t think to ask too many questions. He sat with his brother and held him close. He brushed his hair for him and talked to him, trying to make Kili laugh like he always did before.

There were only a few times over the visits that they were left alone and Kili spent several of those minutes begging Fili not to leave him there with Thrain. Fili did his best to reassure his brother and kept telling him that it would only be for a short time; that they would be back together soon.

After the first year, Kili stopped asking for Fili to not leave him.

After the second year, Kili stopped complaining about how hard it was living with Thrain.

After the third year, Kili stopped asking Fili for much of anything. Oh, he didn’t stop talking to him and seemed to be happy when they were taken to visit each other. However, the easy smiles were gone and Kili seemed to grow more and more serious each time they spoke together.

At thirteen and ten, it was expected that the brothers would drift apart as Fili got older and did things that his little brother couldn’t follow him into. As he delved more into sports in school and outside of school hours, he spent less time thinking of his little brother. It wasn’t because he loved Kili any less -- he could never not love Kili -- but he was entering his teenage years and that naturally took a lot of his attention.

Everyone assured him that it was completely natural.

Even the few times he saw Kili, Kili said it was fine and that he was happy that Fili was doing things that made him happy. At thirteen, Fili was too young and inexperienced about people to pick up on the mixed signals that his formerly cheerful little brother was sending off.

He was fifteen when he realized that there was something really wrong going on in Kili’s life. Fifteen when he got the hint that he had failed his baby brother in more ways than he had ever realized.

It was one of the winter holidays and Thorin and Fili had arrived a little earlier than expected at Frerin’s for the required family dinner. When they got out of the car, they were immediately drawn to the sound of furious shouting coming from the house. Fili quickened his pace when he heard what sounded like furniture hitting the walls as all he could think about was something happening to his brother.

Frerin opened the door before he could and he was shocked by his appearance. He pushed Fili back outside and closed the door behind him.

“You’re early,” he murmured, running his hands through his hair as he met the eyes of his own brother.

Thorin walked up behind Fili and placed his hands on his nephew’s shoulders, holding him in place. “What’s happened, Frerin?”

“Father… he’s in one of his rages and Kili tried to stand his ground.”

“You mean Thrain started in on you and the boy tried to protect you.”

“He’s just a kid, Thorin, but Thrain goes at him harder and harder each time Kili says or does something that father doesn’t like.” He cleared his throat and looked everywhere but at the angry blue eyes of his older nephew.

“What. Happened.” There was a tone in Thorin’s voice that Fili had never heard before.

“Father heard me tell Kili that we would find him a different doctor because he doesn’t like the way he feels on the newest medications.”

“Medications?” Fili growled. “What the hell is wrong with my brother and why is this the first that I’m hearing of him being ill?”

“Not now, Fili,” Thorin said as he looked at his younger brother. “What happened then?”

“It devolved into a big fight with father telling me that I would do no such thing and that Kili was in no position to decide not to take his medication. When I tried to get father to listen to me about how miserable they made Kili feel, he grabbed me and spun me into the wall.” He sighed, looking up at Thorin. “I tried, Thorin. I tried to tell Kili that I was okay, but the kid got in between us and tried to shove father away from me.”

“That didn’t go well.”

“Not at all.” He sighed, running his hand over his face. “I told Kili to go to his bedroom and had to practically shove him to get him to go. I thought father would focus on me and he would leave Kili alone, but he’s been getting angrier and angrier at the boy. Thrain followed Kili and burst into his room. I’m not sure what happened, but I heard Kili yell and then the sound of something being destroyed. I got there to see that father was tearing things apart in Kili’s room. He was pulling everything off of the shelves and out of the drawers going on about how his room was a mess.”

“And doesn’t that just sound familiar.”

“Yeah. And the thing is, Kili keeps his room as clean and perfect as father would like it to be. With his OCD and other issues, it helps keep him grounded to have his bedroom in a perfect arrangement that he has organized.”

“OCD?” Fili demanded. “Other issues? What has happened to my damn brother?”

Thorin didn’t seem to hear him. “Did he strike the boy?”

“I don’t know, Thorin. I really don’t. When I got down there…”

“What, Frerin?”

“Thrain must have shattered the guitar first because as he was tearing apart the bedroom, Kili was standing against the wall, with his arms wrapped around himself and the guitar was in pieces at his feet.” Frerin bit his lip. “I don’t think Kili was aware of what was happening around him. He wouldn’t stop staring at the broken pieces.”

“Are you sure that Kili didn’t destroy it himself? I mean, I know father gives him hell about his music and spending so much time on it and his art --”

“Kili is an artist?” Fili was not liking the fact that there were things about his brother that he didn’t know about or that he was ill in some way. “He plays the guitar?”

“Kili would never have destroyed that guitar, Thorin,” Frerin said firmly. “No matter what kind of fit he was having.”

“Fits? What the hell, Frerin, Thorin?! What have you two been keeping from me?”

“Why are you so sure, brother?” Thorin demanded, not looking down at Fili.

“Because… I told him the last time he came home from the hospital that the guitar was a gift from Fili.”

“Christ on a cracker, Frerin! The doctors warned us about giving him something that he would fixate on if he lost touch again!”

“What was I supposed to do, Thorin? You have all the fucking answers when you’re not in the damn situation in the first place!” For the first time since he could remember, Frerin was angry and was yelling at Thorin. “You got to leave and have your own life and I’m still stuck here! You’re not the one who has had to sit here and watch a child deal with all of this shit that he doesn’t deserve! Telling Kili that he’s getting things from his brother helps give him an anchor and helps give him something to hold onto when his mind sends him into whatever the fuck it does to him. The life that comes back into his eyes in those moments when he gets told Fili still cares about him is worth the cost of everything else.”

“Frerin…”

“Don’t, Thorin. We need me to stay here with him until we have enough power and resources to take him down. He has the legal custody of Kili and if I don’t stay you know it will get so much worse for the boy.” He sighed. “We’ve been through this all before, right? There was no one for us, but at least I’m here for Kili.”

“Balin and Gloin are working on it.”

“Well, they need to hurry it up and get something done. He’s already banned Dwalin from the grounds and has done the same to Bifur and Bofur. He’s told Kili that if he doesn’t stop acting out that he won’t be able to ever see Fili or Gimli again.”

“Maybe we should go,” Thorin said in an almost defeated voice as he started to tug at Fili to go back to the car.

“No. If you go, now, it will be so much worse for Kili… and for me,” Frerin admitted. “If you leave, father will know I told you what led up to the fight.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Fili said firmly. “I want to see my brother.”

“Fili…”

“I. Want. To. See. My. Brother.” Fili’s voice turned cold. “And after that, you are damn well going to tell me what has been going on and what is wrong with Kili. You will also tell me why the hell I am only now finding out that something is wrong with my brother who has apparently been in the hospital more than once.”

“Fili, if you challenge your grandfather, it will get very bad for your brother,” Frerin warned him.

“He’s not fucking God, Uncle Frerin,” Fili scoffed with all of the bravado of a fifteen year old.

“He might as well be,” his uncle said with a shake of his head. “Thrain has more power and resources than you realize. He has the power to prevent you from ever seeing your brother again.”

“He can’t do that.”

“He can, Fili,” Thorin said firmly. “You and Kili are minors and Thrain has legal guardianship over your brother. He could say or do anything he thinks of to make sure that you will never see Kili again.”

“I’ll be eighteen in three years,” Fili said quietly. “He can’t do anything to me then.”

“Don’t be so sure of that, kid,” Frerin sighed. “He can have Kili declared mentally incompetent and hide him somewhere so deep and remote that you will never find him.”

Fili felt a surge of white hot anger move through him. “My brother is not mentally incompetent,” he hissed. “How dare you even suggest such a thing!”

“This is not the time or the place, Fili,” Thorin said warningly.

“You owe me an explanation, Thorin.”

“You are a child who has no idea of how the world works.” Even though he said the words, his nephew got the idea that his heart wasn’t completely in them.

“That is my brother in there, Thorin, and you will not stop me from going to him.”

“Fili,” Frerin said tiredly. “Kili has been ill off and on for the past few years. We’ll explain more at a later time, but you cannot antagonize your grandfather in any way.”

“Kili is my brother!”

“And Frerin is mine,” Thorin snapped. “If you cannot promise that you will be on your best behavior and do nothing to antagonize or upset Thrain, then we are leaving. I will not allow you to do anything to endanger Frerin any more than he already is.”

“Frerin already said that if we left now it would be bad for him.” Fili’s voice was cold as he glared at Thorin. “If we leave now, you’ll be hurting your brother and mine.”

Thorin gave a defeated sigh. “Damn it. We're trying to protect you."

"Apparently at the cost of Kili's well-being."

“You have to trust us, Fili,” Frerin said softly. “We’re trying to do our best for you boys.”

“Considering that you’re letting my brother be terrorized, haven’t told me that he’s sick, and for some reason he needs to be _told_ I care to believe it, I’m not really feeling very trusting of you guys right now.”

The sudden silence from the house was worrying, but then the door opened and Thrain was standing there.

“What are you three doing standing out there like you’re some kind of degenerates? Get inside, dinner's almost ready.”

Looking at his grandfather that evening, it was the first time that Fili could remember ever feeling hate stirring towards another person. 

That feeling got even stronger when he had a few minutes alone with Kili.

He was helping his little brother do some cleaning in his room -- which Thrain said that Kili had destroyed in a temper after being told he couldn’t go to some event -- when he realized that Kili was unusually quiet. He reached out to grab Kili’s arm and his heart broke when his brother flinched away from him. Determined not to let his brother keep his distance from him, Fili grabbed his arm again, eyes widening when his brother let out a hiss of pain.

“Kili? Kili, talk to me. Tell me what happened.” He shoved up Kili’s sleeve and saw more than one bruise coloring his arms. There was one bruise around his wrist that was wider and seemed to circle his entire wrist. “Holy fuck, Kili… what is this?”

“Don’t.”

“Little brother, come on, talk to me. Let me know what’s going on so that I can help you.”

Kili turned to him and Fili hated how badly he could tell his brother was struggling to smile at him. It shouldn’t be such a chore for Kili to smile at him or talk to him.

“It’s alright, Fili.” His twelve year old brother sounded far too old and far too worn out for his age. “Don’t let any of this bother you. I’m used to it.”

“Used to it?” He didn’t like that at all. “Tell me what’s going on so that I can help you.”

“You’re not responsible for me, Fili.” Kili looked away from him when he said that. “You’re fifteen and starting your own life. Far too young and too important to be burdened by a damaged sibling.”

“W-what?”

What the hell was his brother talking about? What twelve year old even knew how to say something like that? Hell, he was three years older and he wouldn't have even been able to think up something like that to say. What was going on in this family?

Before Fili could say anything, Kili’s bedroom door opened and Thrain poked his head inside. Seeing the slight hunching of Kili’s shoulders, Fili knew exactly where Kili had come up with such a stupid excuse to not answer his questions.

“Kili,” their grandfather’s voice was sharp. “Why is your brother sitting on the floor? Offer him a chair while you’re cleaning up your mess.”

“Yes, grandfather,” Kili said softly. “I apologize, Fili. You can sit at my desk.”

“It’s too late for that, now, Kili,” Thrain said, never taking his eyes off of his youngest grandson. “Dinner is ready, but you and I will discuss this after your brother returns home.”

Kili ducked his head. “Yes, grandfather.”

Fili had never wanted to punch an adult so much in his life.


	3. You've Learned To Hide Your Hurt So Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's walk along memory lane continues. It is not pleasant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my awesome beta reader, [Lakritzwolf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf)
> 
> Be warned, this chapter has reference to a suicide attempt.

Fili had just turned seventeen when his world was rocked all over again.

He was starting his senior year of high school and was one of the starters on the school football team. When he wasn’t doing homework or at practice, he was working weekends in the family company. Everyone was taking the grooming him to take over after Thorin seriously, but Fili couldn’t care less about the wishes of his family.

He was only going along with it because he was determined that when he turned eighteen he was going to get his brother away from their insane grandfather. In order to be taken seriously by anyone, he knew that he had to prove himself as a success. If he appeared to be towing the family line, no one would be paying attention to anything else he might be doing.

The allowance he was given by Thorin (plus the wages he was making from Thrain by working part time at Erebor Industries) was being carefully budgeted. What he didn’t need for keeping up the image of a high school star athlete and popular kid was being hidden in a secret savings account. It was the account he put together for saving money to hire lawyers to help him get Kili. The money plus proving how responsible and established he was would help him get custody of his brother. 

He thought.

He hoped.

Part of him thought that he should reach out to Balin, but he didn’t. He was sure that Balin would talk to Thorin and Frerin about what he was doing, and he couldn’t trust them to stand with him and help get Kili away from Thrain. After all, they stood by and let Kili be terrorized by his grandfather. They let him be committed to psychiatric hospitals and restrained more than once. Thrain broke him and their uncles did nothing to stop it and help his brother.

No. The only way to accomplish this was to do it himself. Relying on anyone else would cause problems and then he might lose Kili forever. He had never forgotten Frerin’s warning that Thrain could make Kili disappear somewhere so he would never be able to find him. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to pretend to be the perfect Durin boy in order to have a chance at saving his beloved brother.

And if none of that worked, then maybe by the time he was a legal adult, he would have enough money for him and Kili to leave and start a new life far away from their relatives. He would take Kili and they would run far away to a place where his brother could be safe and he could take care of him like he should have been doing from the beginning.

It would hurt his uncles dearly if he did that, but Fili decided that he couldn’t think about them. He had to focus on getting Kili. If he had to choose between his brother and the rest of his family, he would always choose Kili.

It would always be Kili and it should have never come to this. His beloved brother had been with Thrain for seven years and Fili had watched him become no more than a shadow of who he was supposed to be. Kili was fourteen and there were times when Fili forgot that because of how he spoke -- or didn’t speak.

The fact that Kili had withdrawn into himself so much and gone so quiet even when they were alone together was so very painful to him. Before their parents had died and they had been separated, Kili had been such a happy, cheerful kid. He had always made it his mission to make the people around him smile and make them happy.

Now, whenever he looked into his brother’s eyes, Fili had a hard time finding the child he once knew. The child that his uncles and grandfather had forced him to separate from.

That day, when Fili got home from football practice, he was surprised to see Frerin´s car in the driveway. Usually, Frerin only came to visit them on the weekends. The reason for this - the one that Fili had been given, at least - was that it was too difficult for him to get away to visit during the week under normal circumstances. Feeling the pull of concern, he entered the house and walked down the hall into the living room.

Seeing the paleness on the faces of both of his uncles, Fili dropped his football gear onto the floor without thinking about it. "What’s going on?"

Frerin shook his head, but then he swallowed, looking up at his nephew from where he was sitting. Fili could tell from the way that Frerin was acting that something bad had happened. It didn't take him very long to put two and two together.

"What has happened to Kili? Frerin, where's my brother?" He left off the title of uncle on purpose. He was having a hard time being respectful and seeing these men as close family every time something happened that could harm Kili.

Frerin winced and then sighed. His sigh sounded like he was wounded deeply, though. He opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound came out.

"Frerin..."

"Kili is in the hospital, Fili," Thorin said in a hoarse voice.

"What has Thrain done to him this time? What new reason has he given for having my brother locked away again? Did Kili refuse to bow and scrape to his ego? Or did Kili get in the way of Thrain attacking Frerin again?"

More than once, Fili had found out that Kili had tried to protect Frerin from Thrain's anger and it pissed him off to no end. Frerin should be protecting the fourteen year old boy and not the other way around.

Thorin shook his head and met Fili's eyes. The desolation and the shock in his eyes caused Filí to curl his hands into fists.

"Thorin?"

"Kili… Kili is in the hospital because he tried to kill himself."

Fili froze for a long moment and then he felt himself shaking his head. "No. You're wrong. Kili was hurt some other way. He could never..."

"I wish that I was, son," Thorin said quietly. "The school called Frerin this morning because Kili didn't show up at school today. He left work and went home to look for Kili." He swallowed hard. "Frerin found Kili in the bathtub. He had taken one of the knives from the kitchen and sliced his arms open."

Fili stumbled backwards and tripped over his football equipment. He landed on his ass and was too busy staring at his uncles in shock to register the pain from his fall.

"No," Fili whispered, shaking his head. "Kili sliced… what was he thinking?" No. That wasn't the right thing for him to be asking. It wasn't the question that he needed answers to. "He's fucking fourteen years old, Thorin! He should be playing his guitar, drawing pictures or playing games in school! He shouldn't be hurting so much that his only thought is how to end his life!"

Not for the first time, Fili wished that he was older. If he was even a few years older, then none of this would ever have had happened. If he had been older when they had lost their parents, then by now he would have been able to take Kili away before he had tried to…

"Is he going to be all right?" He wanted to say so many other things, but he needed to get some more information about his little brother's condition. "Is he going to live?"

"The doctors think he'll recover. They had to give him a great deal of blood and his recovery is going to take some time." Thorin's voice was still hoarse.

"I want to see him."

"That may not be a good idea, son," Thorin started.

"For who, you or Thrain?" Fili demanded angrily. "Kili needs me. Either you take me to my brother or I'll find my own way there."

"Fili --"

"No, Thorin. You're always talking about how we cannot provoke Thrain because he'll make things hard for Frerin. You're all about being the big brother and protecting your little brother. The thing you keep fucking forgetting is that you're doing all of that at the cost of _my little brother_. I'm a big brother, too, Thorin. What I'm seeing is that you don't give a damn about my brother as long as yours is well."

"That's not true. I am trying to protect you, Fili."

"You always say you are trying to protect me or protect Frerin, but you don't give a damn about Kili! In all of your choices and your decisions, you never take MY brother into consideration! Kili has been so brutalized and who knows what else and yet you kept his newly developed mental issues secret from me! Too many things have gone wrong with him and you do nothing even though this has been going on for seven years! You don’t even think about him while you’re so busy covering your own ass and that of Frerin with your psycho father! What you are telling me loud and clear is that I cannot trust you to do the right thing for my brother because you don't give a damn about him!" Fili knew he was shouting, but he couldn’t stop. This was all too much and because of their inaction, Kili might now die.

Frerin sighed, finally managing to speak more. "We’re doing the best we can, Fili."

"Are you really, Frerin? I've heard how you and Thorin speak about Kili and the issues he has. You always say that you want to help him, but then when you talk about it, it's like something in you flips a switch. I've heard you tell Thorin more than once how you're stuck with Thrain because of Kili needing you. If I have heard you, don't you think that Kili has heard you, too? It's not like the two of you are quiet when you get into arguments. Have you even considered how Kili might feel, knowing you blame him for everything that happens?"

"I have never blamed Kili for anything!"

"Except for the issues he has with his brain and the fact that if it wasn’t for him being there you could have escaped your father like Thorin tries to."

"You don't understand how complicated and difficult the whole thing with your grandfather is, Fili," Thorin tried.

"What I understand is that he is such a bastard and he has broken my brother so much that at fourteen he tried to take his own life. Make all of the excuses you want and try to blame this on Kili’s illnesses that all of you have had a hand in causing, but we all know that your father is responsible for this. If he dies, it's on the two of you every bit as much as it is on Thrain."

The argument ended when the uncles agreed to take Fili to the private facility Kili had been admitted to.

When Fili entered the hospital room, he felt his heart breaking with every step to the bed. Once he got to the side of the bed, he had to close his eyes for a long moment before he could open them again to look down at his brother.

“Oh, Kee…”

He reached out and ran his fingers down Kili’s still face before sitting down. He couldn’t believe that they had let this happen. That _he_ had let this happen. He could feel himself shaking as he moved his hand from Kili’s face to cautiously take one of his hands.

“I’m sorry, Kili. I’m so so sorry.” His eyes filled with tears as he took in his brother’s pallor and how still he was. The bandages that covered his arms from wrist to elbow were a loud accusation of how much he had failed his beloved baby brother.

“You can’t die on me, Kili,” Fili whispered as he stared at his brother’s face. “I need you to pull through this and stay with me.”

He hated how still Kili was, even though Thorin had told him that Kili had been given sedatives to keep him calm so that his body could heal. The doctors assigned to his brother’s case didn’t trust his mental state and decided that sedating him would be the best thing until they knew he wouldn’t try to harm himself again.

“Please, Kili. Stay with me. I can’t do this without you. You’re the most important thing in my world and I wouldn’t like this world very much if you’re not in it.” He looked around the room to make sure no one was coming in and then he leaned forward so that he could whisper into his brother’s ear. “One more year, Kee. I’ve been saving money and making plans to get us away. If we have to, we’ll run away and you’ll never have to be afraid again. But to do that, you have to stay alive. I know it sucks and you’re hurting and scared, but I promise, Kili. I promise you that it won’t be like this forever and I’ll get you away from Thrain and take care of you. I know you can do this, Kee. You’re so strong and amazing no matter what you think. Please, little brother, please. Don’t leave me.” He pulled back, blinking back the tears that he refused to let fall. He would not cry here. Not when Kili was the one who was suffering. “I love you, Kili. I love you so much and you have to survive. You have to survive and we’ll make sure that you get to see and do everything that you should have been able to do; and you’ll have to play your guitar for me, little brother. Just… don’t go. Don’t leave me.”

Unfortunately, for all of Fili’s careful planning and thoughts, it took more than a year before he had enough money in his bank account to take the risk of stealing Kili away from their family. It took three years. Three years of careful work and three years of pain as he watched Kili fall into darkness more and more. Every time he thought that things would be working in his favor, something happened with his brother. He was forced to stay on the sidelines as he watched Kili be shuffled from doctor to doctor. He was forced to stay quiet as his Kili was fed medication upon medication only to have them be changed at a whim of Thrain’s or because something went wrong.

For three years, he worked and he hated. He hated Thrain. He hated the shadows and the illnesses that were tearing his brother apart. He hated the fact that he was powerless to take care of his brother. He hated that his uncles weren’t doing anything to help.

 

He was home from college for Kili’s seventeenth birthday when the Virus hit.


	4. I Know You're Wondering When

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Virus strikes and Fili has things to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to my awesome beta, [Lakritzwolf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf).

When Fili got to town from his college, he immediately wanted to go and see Kili, but he was surprisingly exhausted. He unpacked his bag and let himself collapse into his bed. He had birthday gifts for Kili that he wanted to give to his brother as soon as possible. Ever since Frerin had told him years ago that getting things from him gave Kili something good to hold on to, he had made sure to get something for Kili every couple of weeks. He didn't know how many of his gifts Thrain allowed his brother to keep, but he had been scary enough for the bastard to agree to allow Kili to keep a few items with him.

It had been an epic fight, but one that Fili had won. He realized later that Kili had probably suffered for his defiance, but it was one more thing he added to the list to make up to his brother. He wasn't going to let Thrain keep everything from Kili.

It was also the same time that Thrain had learned he couldn't threaten or manipulate Fili directly. Fili wasn't afraid of Thrain. Both of them knew that Fili could and _would_ put him through a wall and then a floor if he was provoked enough. Threats to Kili could only keep the eldest in line for so long before he snapped and lost control.

Thrain saw his death in his eldest grandson’s cold blue eyes and they both knew it was only a matter of time.

The next time Fili woke up, it was fully dark outside. He was confused since he hadn't planned on sleeping very long. He rolled over on his bed to reach for his phone on the nightstand. There were no messages, not from Kili nor from anyone else. That could be both bad and good. Either no one had told Kili he was in town, or something had happened to him.

He was very much hoping for everyone’s sakes that it was the former. If anything had happened to Kili, again, Fili would take him back to his school with him. He didn't know what he would do after that, but he would get his brother away this time if he was hurt again.

He pressed the power on the remote to the TV and then rolled over as he typed out a quick text message into his phone.

He waited for several tense minutes, staring at his phone. When the text message alert went off, he let out a breath.

It took longer for him to get a response this time and he was starting to get worried when the alert finally went off.

That didn't sound good at all. Kili never told him to stay away. His brother was usually very desperate for him to come over.

Fili clenched his hands tightly and tried to calm his breathing so he didn't storm out and go after Thrain right then and there.

Fili pulled himself up to relax against the multitude of pillows that were at the head of the bed. He glanced at the television, seeing that the reporter was talking about some kind of bad flu virus that seemed to be going around the city.

Fili was hard pressed not to yell in anger at this point, hearing for the first time that Thrain almost habitually locked his brother away. His jaw clenched and he felt his hands start to shake.

How dare that fucking asshole lock Kili up like he was some kind of animal?

His brother didn't respond and after ten minutes of silence, Fili sent another text. 

Fili growled. He really, really hated his family and the fact that they had twisted up his brother so much that he actually believed what they told him; what he often parroted back to Fili. Like he was now. He was so pissed off that they had convinced Kili that he was broken and crazy.

Fili could tell that Kili didn't believe him and it hurt. He hated that it was taking him so long to be able to get Kili away from their family.

Fili stared at the phone for a few moments longer and then sighed as he plugged it into the charger. He was losing more and more of his brother and it was killing him a little more each day. He kept promising Kili that he was going to get him out of there and as of yet, he hadn't delivered. It was no wonder that Kili was losing faith in him or the things he said. His friends back where he went to school were working with him to get Kili out through official channels, but he was ready to just kidnap his brother and make a run for it.

He gave a growl of frustration as he flopped back on his bed. He hated this. He had been hating this for years. He was being told that he and the people working with him needed more time, but he was fucking running out of time. _Kili_ was running out of time.

He closed his eyes, trying to push away the beginning symptoms of a bad headache. He didn't get them often, so he knew that it was caused by stress -- and nothing caused him more stress than coming here to deal with his older family members.

If he couldn't see Kili tonight, then he might as well take a painkiller and get some sleep. He’d feel better tomorrow and then he’d take Kili out for a while so they could do something for his birthday. He wouldn't let Thrain, Thorin or Frerin stop him from that plan. He was done with doing things their way and waiting for them to do something to help his brother. They hadn't done shit in ten years and he knew it wasn't going to change anytime soon.

No, it was up to him and the circle of friends he had made at school that were helping him make plans.

His last thoughts as he waited for sleep was that he needed to call his friend Nori in the morning and tell him that they needed to move faster. He should also call Dwalin and give him a heads up about what he was planning. Dwalin had been doing his best to look out for Kili and protect him whenever he was able to.

He wrapped his arms around a pillow and sighed again as he started to fall asleep. One way or another, he wasn't leaving Kili behind again.

* * *

The coughing fit woke Fili up from a deep sleep. He rolled over, fighting not to cry out at the stabbing pain in his head and chest. He managed to get from his bed to the bathroom before he started throwing up everything he thought he had eaten in his entire life. Even when he was sure his stomach was empty, he couldn't stop dry heaving for a few minutes. 

The stench of unflushed toilet mingled with that of spew, and Fili had a hard time not to just continue throwing up until he would pass out. When he was sure he was done, he decided to go to the kitchen to get something to drink. The problem was that he felt so weak and shaky that it was a difficult trip. 

Once in the kitchen he realized that the tap was running. He frowned, because he honestly couldn't remember having been here. He noticed the shards of the shattered glass almost too late, and was now deeply worried he might have started to sleep-walk.

He ended up sitting on the floor and leaning against the cool metal of the refrigerator. The coolness seemed to help soothe the pain in his head and he didn't really want to move again.

As soon as he could get to his feet, Fili opened the fridge to get something to drink. He was greeted by the smell of milk that had gone off quite some time ago and gagging, he grabbed a carton of juice. It tasted moldy, though, and he quickly poured it down the sink. He found himself another glass, carefully sidestepping the shards, and had several glasses of water

He called out a few times, but there was no answer. Thorin wasn't in his bedroom or in his office. In fact, it seemed that Fili was alone in the house. Getting more to drink and something easy to eat, he made his way back to his own bedroom. He placed the items on his nightstand and then once again wrapped himself in his blankets. He wasn't about to let some stupid cold or flu knock him flat when he had Kili waiting for him.

He turned on the television, listening more than watching it and was concerned when the reporters talked about how widespread this flu was and how quickly it was moving from person to person. Several people had already died, but Fili didn't let that worry him since he was athletic and fit. He wasn't in any danger of dying from a little bit of the flu. However, he _was_ worried about his more fragile little brother, though.

Fili could swear that it was raining the next time he became aware of his surroundings. It was hot and stuffy in his bedroom and he felt sure he was soaked to the skin. He couldn't figure out how he had been sweating so much, and his mind was fuzzy as he tried to recall where he was and what had happened. He was weaker than he had ever felt before, but there was no longer any pain in his chest and head like he what had been dealing with.

A shower. He needed a shower. His clothes were gross and from what he was smelling, his body wasn't that much better. Once he got under the spray, he had to lean against the wall as the water rained over him. His limbs were shaking slightly and he wasn't completely sure what had happened. That he had been really sick was obvious. What wasn't obvious was how he could be in such a state after only one night.

After he finally felt completely clean and he was able to stand on his own, he got dressed and left the bathroom. He needed to get something to drink and then text Kili to see if he was feeling well enough for visitors. He decided to take the container of juice and a glass back to his room. After stripping the sheets from the bed, he sank into the mattress and reached for his cell phone. His hands began to shake again as he stared at the lock screen that showed the time and the date.

_It couldn't be. There had to be a mistake._

According to the information on the screen, it was almost two weeks after he had arrived in town. How could he have been so sick that he lost two weeks of time? Not to mention, why hadn't Thorin taken him to a doctor or called an ambulance or something?

Frowning, he unlocked the screen to find that he had several text messages and voicemail notifications. He wasn't surprised that most of the texts were from Kili -- and each one seemed to get more frantic than the last one. There were also a few messages from Thorin telling him to be careful and to stay indoors no matter what happened. Fili started playing the voice mails, his heart breaking as he listened to Kili becoming more and more upset. 

_"Please, please be okay, Fili! The news says people are dying and I can't get out of here to find you."_

Kili started coughing violently in the middle of the message and then disconnected when the coughing didn't stop.

Every message was a progression of Kili’s illness getting worse and Fili hated that he hadn't been awake to answer the phone and reassure his baby brother when he had needed him.

_"F-Fili… Thrain… he’s dead. I had no choice... h-he was gonna… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me."_

Fili was sure that in some world he was supposed to be sad that his grandfather was dead, but he just couldn't dredge up that kind of sympathy for the bastard. All he could feel was the relief that he was finally able to take Kili away. He was more upset that Kili would think that he would ever hate him for any reason.

That feeling of relief turned to fear as he listened to the last voicemail from his brother. He knew something was really wrong just from the weakness of Kili’s voice. It was shaking and his brother kept pausing to cough.

 _"Fili, I hope you get this and are one of the few that miraculously survive this whole thing. I'm not getting any better, in fact, I'm getting worse. Thrain is dead and I haven't seen Frerin or Thorin since the outbreak happened. I wish I could tell you what happened to them but I just don't know. I know that my time is running out, but I need to make sure I get this out."_

Fili’s hand tightened around his phone as he listened to his brother go into a severe coughing fit on the other end of the phone. When Kili started talking again, he could tell that he was having a hard time getting his breath. 

_"Fili, I know you have a great deal of guilt for things that you had no control over or any choice in. I know you blame yourself for everything that's happened to me, but I don't. None of it is or has ever been your fault. You have always done your best for me with what you have been allowed and I have always been grateful for all of that. You've called me a victim of our family's sins, but you've been just as much of a victim as I have been. I think it must have been harder on you because you had to watch what was happening and were powerless to do anything."_

_"Fili, I want to make sure that you know how much I love you. You have been the best thing in my life and I love you more than I can put into words. Please never doubt what an amazing guy you are and what a terrific brother you have been -- even when it would have made things easier on you to simply ignore or dismiss what was happening in our family. I hope that gives you some peace in the world that you're going to be in when this is all over. Goodbye, big brother. I love you."_

Fili felt tears slipping down his cheeks as he listened to his brother's weak voice as he told him goodbye. Kili must have been in so much agony from the illness and yet he was determined to make sure he told Fili how much he meant to him.

He refused to believe that his brother was dead until he was shown his body. Even then he had doubts he would accept it.

The reasonable part of him said that he owed it to Thorin to try and locate him. He hadn't seen any sign of his uncle in the house so far and Kili’s message said that neither uncle was at Thrain’s house. He probably should go hunting for him.

However, the more emotional side of him was urging him to go immediately to discover Kili’s fate. Everyone else could go to hell until he knew for sure what happened to his brother. He might still feel that way even after he had his answers.

When he stepped outside the house, he was struck by how silent and still everything was. He had never seen anything like this. There were no cars running and no sign of people milling about. There were some dogs running loose, but when they didn't come his way, he decided to leave them alone for the moment. Thorin’s house was in a busy neighborhood, but today there was no evidence of it. Fili looked around, trying to figure out if there was anyone around who might need help. He didn't hear anything and he decided that had to be good enough for right now. He couldn't take the time to search the houses of his neighbors. He wanted -- no, he needed -- to get to Kili.

He wasn't sure if the main roads would be clear enough for him to take a car and he really didn't have the time to do that kind of investigation . Kili’s message was from two days ago and he could still be trying to cling to life. If his brother was still alive, he wasn't wasting precious time to do any kind of exploring. 

Luckily, his dirt bike was still in the garage. It could go through just about any terrain a lot faster than most vehicles would at this point in time. When he got the information he needed, he would do some further research. After all, he’d need to figure out what he needed to do to survive after all of this. Plus, he had people back at school that he needed to check in on, as well.

Once he got the bike unchained and rolled out of the garage, he gave it a cursory once-over. He didn't have the time nor the patience to give it the full tune-up that it probably needed, but he also wanted to get to Thrain’s house in one piece. He took just enough time to prime the chain and check the fluids, deciding that it would work well enough for what he needed right now. He’d take the time to give it a complete tune up once he arrived at his destination.

He got onto his bike and started it up. Once the engine was purring like he wanted it to, he pushed off and headed to his grandfather's house.

It didn't take very long for him to get to Thrain’s neighborhood as most of the city was just as empty as his own neighborhood had been. He parked his bike and made his way to the back door. He searched above the door frame for the hidden key. Once he retrieved the key, he let himself in.

The first thing he was aware of was how damn cold the house was. It was so cold that Fili was tempted to search for a jacket or hoodie while he was inside. He didn't take the time, though. He was here for his brother and everything else would have to wait. 

The second thing he was aware of was that there was a very definite stench of something disgusting coming from the house. It was a smell that he would need to figure out a way to get rid of as soon as he knew that Kili was alive.

He made his way through the entryway to the kitchen and then into the living room where he got an even bigger shock than the house temperature -- but also an answer as to the smell he had been hit with once he entered the house..

Kili hadn't been exaggerating when he said he killed Thrain. The living room looked like a serious fight had taken place here. Furniture was overturned and in the middle of a shattered coffee table, Thrain’s body lay crumpled into the shards with two arrows in his throat. Fili stared down at him, and all he could feel was relief that he was dead and regret that he hadn't been the one to do it. Kili had enough to deal with in his mind, he really didn't need someone's death on his conscience.

Surprisingly, even though Thrain’s body was starting to smell a little, it wasn't as horrible as Fili would have expected it to be. He needed to check dates, but Thrain had been dead for more than a few hours. Usually, that would mean that the room should be smelling so bad that he should be wanting to gag more than what he was feeling. It took him a few moments of standing there with his hand over his nose and mouth before the answer to the mystery seeped into his brain.

_The air conditioning._

Of course. There would have been no way that his brother would have been able to move Thrain’s body under normal circumstances without some kind of creative thinking. In a situation where he was so ill from the virus and therefore more weak than normal, his brother would have needed to come up with another solution to deal with decay and rot until he was either strong enough to move it outside -- or he received some kind of help. Dropping the temperature of the house so much would slow the process of decay somewhat. He was relieved that Kili had been able to at least do that much.

It was a good temporary solution, but one that Fili would have to deal with as soon as he found Kili. Thrain’s body was starting to smell and it was bloating, so it would have to be moved before something disgusting happened.

But that would have to wait. Kili was his primary focus and until he knew the fate of his brother, everything else would have to wait.

Shaking his head, he went down the hall and to the stairs that led to the rooms that had been set up for Kili when he had entered high school. Fili had never understood the point of forcing his brother into other spaces as he got older, except as a way for Thrain to further control and isolate Kili. It was almost as if at times, Thrain was trying to remove him from public or the family or something. He had hated Thrain for it, but it was just one more thing on a very long list of things he hated the old man for and had one day wanted to make Thrain pay for.

Well, the old bastard was dead now and he had to find his brother.

Once he got to the door to the lower level of the house, he slammed it open and ran down the steps as quickly as he could. When he raced down the hall, he saw the outline of someone collapsed in the hall. Praying to any deity he could think of that it was Kili and that he was still breathing, Fili moved faster, dropping down to examine the person on the floor.

It was indeed Kili.

With shaking hands, Fili turned his brother over onto his back and felt for a pulse. He found one, very faint, but it was still there, so there was hope. He dropped his head for a moment, letting the relief flow through him. Kili wasn't out of danger yet, from what he could tell, but the fact that he was still alive in spite of everything meant that he might survive the virus just like Fili had.

Shaking himself mentally, Fili lifted his brother up into his arms. He frowned at how thin and light Kili was -- this couldn't all be just from being sick, could it? -- and carried him into the bathroom. He needed to get Kili cleaned up and warm. He was burning up with fever, but from the goose flesh he saw on his skin, he was also cold.

It scared him a little that Kili didn't respond at all during the time that Fili was cleaning him up in the shower or when he dressed him in clean, warm clothing. Trying not to panic, he tucked Kili into his bed and sat with him for a few long moments. He wanted to do nothing else but stay by Kili’s side and watch over him, but there were a few things he needed to take care of first.

He searched the house room by room, but there was no sign of Frerin or Thorin. Fili had no idea where in the hell they could have been when everyone started getting sick. It made no sense that neither one of them had been at either house. The virus had hit quick and people were down for the count shortly after the first symptoms were experienced.

After the search, Fili had to take some time and sit down, letting his body rest. He was still a little weak from his own bout with the illness and he could only push his body so far before he would collapse. He couldn't collapse. Kili needed him and he would not let him down again.

As he rested, he made a list of things he needed to do while taking care of his brother.

The first thing that he absolutely needed to do was to get Thrain’s body out of the living room. He wasn't about to chance Kili waking up and stumbling in to find it like it was. That was the last thing that his brother needed to deal with right now. 

So, while he sat there working on re-hydrating in order to help his body continue to heal, he tried to decide the best way to remove a dead body from the house.

This was definitely not something he ever thought he would need knowledge for when he was studying at school. 

The good thing was that he should be able to at least get it wrapped up in a sheet and dragged out to the back yard. There was probably something blasphemous about not burying your dead grandfather, but with everything that had happened, he couldn't conjure up the guilt or the worry.

His brother was sick and unconscious.

His uncles were missing.

It seemed that most of the city was either dead from the virus or also missing -- not that he was ready to start breaking into the neighbors’ houses to check for bodies any time soon.

He didn't know how his friends had fared or even how far this thing had spread.

No, he really didn't have the time or the wherewithal to feel guilt for the fact that he was planning to just wrap Thrain’s body and drag it as far from the house as possible. If it was indeed blasphemous, well, he was pretty sure that any deity paying attention would forgive him because there was the whole matter of survival that he needed to try to focus on.

A survival that would be a little more hopeful if Kili lived through this.


	5. Straddle The Line In Discord And Rhyme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili cares for the very ill Kili and starts to get an idea of how everything has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to my awesome beta, [Lakritzwolf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf).

In the end, Fili made a few decisions about how to proceed while he was trying to get Kili to survive the sickness.

First, he had to deal with Thrain’s body. He hadn’t wanted him anywhere near his brother while he was alive and he certainly wasn’t changing his opinion now that his grandfather was dead. 

The easiest thing ended up being that he took a bedspread from Thrain’s bed and wrapped the bastard’s body up in it. Once he was completely wrapped up, Fili took several belts and buckled them around the body to make sure the wrapping stayed in place. It was smelly and hard work, but Fili was determined. 

After taking several breaks to keep himself hydrated, he then used two belts as pull straps. He fastened them to the bindings and used them to drag the body inch by inch to the backyard. He had to stop several times to regain his breath, but he finally got the body far enough into the yard that it wouldn’t be visible from the house.

Which meant that _Kili_ wouldn’t be able to see it when he was up and about again.

Once that chore was done, Fili took another shower. He wanted to get the sweat and smell off of him so it didn’t make him nauseous -- and so it didn’t upset Kili. After he was clean and had stolen a change of clothes from Frerin’s closet -- and where the hell were his bastard uncles, anyway? -- he curled up in a sleeping bag next to his brother’s bed and fell asleep.

He must have fallen into a deep sleep because he didn’t hear Kili leave the room. When he woke up in the middle of the night to find his brother’s bed empty, he had to fight the panic that wanted to rise up in him. He sat up and took a second to gather his thoughts.

It was highly unlikely that someone had broken into the house and stolen his brother from him. (Granted, that had been one of his major fears for the last few years, but he was pretty sure that he no longer had to worry about that quite so much.) Remembering the state of his own bathroom and kitchen when he had finally become aware again, he got to his feet. It was very probable that his sick and feverish brother had either needed the bathroom or had gone in search of something to drink.

Kili wasn’t in the bathroom, so Fili took the stairs quickly to the upper level of the house. Hearing faint noises, he made his way to the kitchen. Kili was standing in the middle of the kitchen holding onto a glass that looked like it was half full of milk.

“Kili,” he whispered, trying to figure out how aware of things his brother was right now.

“Fili,” Kili responded, his shoulders hunching around his neck. “So he did call you to come tell me how disgusting I am.”

Okay, Kili was definitely not all there right now. 

Fili sighed, shaking his head as he moved closer to take the glass of milk from his brother. He remembered how quickly milk could go bad, and he didn’t want his brother drinking the stuff.

“No, of course not, Kee. I'm here to take care of you because you have the flu. A very bad case of the flu that you shouldn't be drinking milk with.”

He dumped the milk down the drain and got his brother a fresh glass that he half filled with juice before handing it off to Kili.

Kili drank the juice, but to Fili’s eyes, he didn’t seem to be aware of the taste of it or anything else associated with it. He could see that his brother’s eyes were glazed and shiny with fever, so he wanted to get him back to bed as soon as possible.

“Thrain told me he was going to call you to tell you what I have done this time. He said it would sicken you so much that you would finally let him make me disappear.”

Once more Fili wished that he had been able to punch the old man. While part of him really wanted to know what Kili could have possibly said or done to cause such a reaction, he really wanted to get his brother back under the blankets even more. He knew that during a bad fever, you needed to stay warm.

“Thrain is a bastard, Kee,” Fili said gently as he took the glass from Kili and set it down on the counter. “We need to get you back into bed.”

“Don't let Thrain hear you say that,” Kili murmured. “Cuz then you’ll be in as much trouble as I am.”

Fili wasn’t sure what to make of that warning, but he needed all of his focus to keep his brother on his feet until he could get him to bed.

Once they were in the hall and in front of the door to the basement level, Fili shook his head. There was no way that he was confident in his ability to get Kili down the stairs and into his bedroom safely. If one of them tripped, they could be hurt badly and with not knowing how many people were still alive, they couldn’t risk injury. What if Kili broke something in a fall and then they found out that all of the hospitals were closed? No, he wasn’t taking that risk.

Decision made, he helped his brother stumble further down the hall to Frerin’s bedroom. The bed was still made, so Fili had no problem pulling down the covers and settling Kili down into the huge bed. Having him in this room would make it easier to take care of him.

He was about to leave the room to retrieve the sleeping bags from downstairs when Kili spoke again.

“Please don’t leave me, Fee. Stay with me, please. I promise I’ll be good.”

The pain and fear in Kili’s voice broke his heart. He sounded so very young.

“Of course I won’t leave you, Kee,” he said as he moved Kili further across the bed so he could lay down next to him without crowding him. “I’ll stay right here with you. I promise.”

Long after Kili lost consciousness again, Fili lay awake watching him. What had happened before the virus hit that had caused Thrain to threaten Kili with calling him? What happened that had made Kili afraid of what Thrain would have told him?

He thought he had known everything that was happening in this house after Kili had told him that Thrain was locking him in his room, but Fili was afraid that there were still secrets his brother was keeping from him.

“It’s okay, Kili,” Fili whispered as he wrapped his arms around his brother and held him close. “No one will ever hurt you again, I won’t let them. Never again. I’ll protect you no matter what I have to do.”

Try as he might, he was unable to get much sleep for most of the night. He couldn’t stop thinking about how defeated Kili had looked when he thought Thrain had called him and told him something about his brother. Then the fear in his voice when he begged him not to leave him. Didn’t Kili know that he would never willingly leave him? Or had his brother finally broken beneath the lies and threats that their grandfather had been piling on him over the years?

 

The next few days seemed to blur together as Fili continued to get stronger and he took care of his brother. The illness wasn’t a kind one and there were times when Fili wondered if it was harder on Kili because of everything that had been done to him over the years. He also wondered if he had had as many nightmares and bouts of hallucinations as Kili was having. He didn’t remember anything like that, but it could be effects of coming so close to death.

And this virus was very much a death sentence to most people who had been infected. 

Fili had only left his brother alone in the house once, and that had been to take his bike to the nearest convenience store to get more juices and soups for Kili. (Thrain’s cupboards were very well-stocked, but they were lacking in the things Fili knew were good for people who were very ill. Of course, the contents of the food storages were just one more example of how Kili had never been properly taken care of.) When he got to the convenience store, it was dark and smelled a little musty. He was pretty sure it was because the power had to have been off for at least a week. Like everything else, it was far too still and quiet.

It didn’t look as if there had been any violence or rioting in this neighborhood, which didn’t really surprise him. Thrain’s neighborhood had always reminded Fili of some ancient kingdom where certain behaviors were expected and the facsimile of manners and politeness were the only things that were important.

Surprisingly, all of shelves and coolers seemed to still be fully stocked. Even in this neighborhood, he would have expected there to have been a run on some items. Then again, when the virus hit, perhaps people locked themselves in their homes thinking that they would be safe.

Four walls and a roof were not armor against a virus that seemed to strike down everyone. And, according to the newspapers he saw piled up on the floor, it had attacked and killed without prejudices. The date on the most recent newspaper was three weeks ago. Fili believed that must have been the time that communications broke down as the virus tore through the country.

He was ashamed of the relief he felt in knowing that the virus hadn’t only attacked this country.

He carefully selected items that he felt would be good for his brother -- and a few items that would also help him continue to build himself back up as well. He bypassed everything in the coolers, with the exception of a few bottles of Sprite and Ginger Ale. Sodas could last for some time not being refrigerated. After he filled his backpack with as much as it would safely hold, he looked around the store once more. He briefly thought of leaving some money on the counter but quickly discarded that idea. There was no sign of any employees, and there was no way of knowing that he wouldn’t need money in the coming days. It was unlikely that money would do anyone much good now, but he wasn’t willing to take the chance right now of not having enough money on hand to take care of himself and his brother. There had to be others left alive besides just he and Kili and he needed to make sure he afforded them every advantage for survival; at least until he had more information about how everything had managed to change.

When he got back to Thrain’s house, he let himself inside and then locked the door behind him. While part of him hated the thought that he was potentially locking out others who might be in need of help, the bigger part of him was determined that he had to focus on taking care of his brother.

Kili was his focus.

Kili was his heart.

Kili was his only family.

Kili had to live through this because he couldn’t deal with this world alone now any more than he could have three years ago when his brother had attempted to end his own life.

After coaxing some watered down juice into Kili, Fili collapsed onto the mattress he had dragged into this bedroom and threw onto the floor next to the bed. He was physically and mentally exhausted and needed to rest for a little while.

 

Several hours later, Fili opened his eyes to darkness. He had slept much longer than he had planned and he lay still on the mattress to get his bearings. That was when he became aware of a strange noise. It sounded like someone was struggling to cough and breathe at the same --

“Kili!”

Fili jumped up from the mattress, reaching for the kerosene lantern he had placed on the bedside table to shine light into the room.

His brother was on his back, convulsing violently as his body fought to breathe. He had gotten his legs tangled in the blankets and being unable to move seemed to add to his distress. Fili threw himself onto the bed, pulling Kili up off of his back in time for his brother to gag so much that he threw up a mixture of thick mucous and blood onto the bed. Fili continued to hold him up, reaching for a sheet to help clean up even as Kili continued to choke as his body tried to expel more of the dangerous mix that was filling up his throat and chest.

“Breathe, Kili,” Fili begged him as he listened to him struggle to do just that. “Please, please, please. You have to breathe for me.”

After several tense minutes where Kili kept throwing up what was choking him, his convulsions finally slowed and then stopped all together. A few seconds later, his entire body went limp against Fili.

For a moment, Fili feared the worst, but then he could hear Kili making the same raspy sounds he had been making since he first found him. Fili closed his eyes, feeling his own body shaking as he continued to hold onto Kili. That had been entirely too close for his comfort. His brother could have died just now and he would have been powerless to stop it.

Once his shaking stopped, Fili let Kili lay back down on the bed while he went to the restroom to turn on the shower. While it was warming up, he went and picked up his brother and took him to the shower. He wasn’t leaving Kili in those disgusting clothes for a moment. He wanted to get him cleaned up and resting as comfortably as he could in his condition.

After Kili was scrubbed and dressed, Fili carried him back to the bedroom and laid him down on the mattress on the floor. Then, taking a deep breath, he quickly stripped the bed. Luckily, Kili kicking at the blankets and then Fili tearing them away from his body meant that it was only the sheets that had been destroyed. He had no problem finding plenty of clean sheets and he had the bed put to rights with Kili tucked back into it in very little time.

Once that was done, Fili warmed up some of the soup he had acquired earlier in the day. He ate two bowls, and then managed to get Kili to ingest a coffee cup of broth. When it seemed that Kili was once more in that weirdly deep sleep that came with this illness, Fili cleaned up the kitchen and then took his own shower.

Beneath the spray of water, Fili leaned against the shower wall and let his tears flow. He had been so sure that he was going to lose Kili tonight. Seeing him struggling to breathe through the blood coming up had really scared him. He hadn’t known what to do and felt so powerless. He could not lose Kili. He just couldn’t.

He let himself have a good cry and then focused on getting clean. He had forgotten to bring clothes into the bathroom, so he returned to the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His plans to raid Frerin’s closet were stalled at the scene that greeted him once he stepped back into the bedroom.

At first, his mind couldn’t make sense of what he was seeing.

It was the sounds his brother was making that made him step closer, first in concern and then again in shock. 

Kili’s head was pressed back into the pillow, baring his throat as he made what Fili would think were delicious sounds under any other circumstances. Circumstances that didn’t include it being _Kili_ that was making such sounds. The covers had been kicked down by his brother and it was for that reason Fili was able to see that Kili’s hand was moving within the sweatpants he had been dressed in. 

Fili’s throat went dry. He shouldn’t be watching this. Kili would be embarrassed to know he was masturbating in front of him. _Fili_ was embarrassed to see and hear this. That was why he felt so warm and he had to swallow.

Kili suddenly stiffened and a softly worded sigh exited his mouth before he went still again.

Fili dove into Frerin’s closet pulling at clothes. He needed something, anything, to keep him from thinking about the fact that Kili had just called his name after orgasming while unconscious.

With shaking hands, he got himself dressed and then exited the closet. Kili was making those scary choking coughs again, so Fili immediately climbed onto the bed so he could lift him up to aid in his breathing. He settled in behind him, holding him against his chest as he listened to his brother struggle to breathe. He ran his hand through Kili’s hair as he begged him to relax and breathe.

It was some time before Kili’s breathing settled again, but even after it did, Fili continued to hold onto him. There was a lot of information that his brain was trying to process tonight. However, he decided that he wasn’t going to focus on the scene he had witnessed, nor the fact that Kili had called out his name. There were several explanations for what had happened, but none of them were important.

No, what was important was keeping his Kili alive and getting him through the changes that had happened to the world.

Once he was sure that Kili wasn’t going to start convulsing again, he peeled him out of his sweat pants and cleaned him up. Dressing him in another pair of clean sweats, Fili tried not to let his mind wander too much.


	6. Yesterday I Died, Tomorrow's Bleeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Fili takes care of his brother and waits for him to hopefully wake up again, he takes care of things around the house as best as he can. He's determined to give them the best chance of survival possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I struggled with this chapter a little bit.
> 
> Thank you to my awesome beta and friend, [Lakritzwolf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf).

The next few days were not easy on Fili’s nerves. Not only did Kili not fully wake up again, his cell phone lost its signal. He had known that it was inevitable that the cellular towers would shut down with no one to man them, but he had hoped that it would take longer for them to fail.

As it was, he still had no idea where Thorin and Frerin were or if they had even survived the deadly illness that had laid waste to their city.

And if they were alive, what had happened to them that they hadn’t been at either home? They hadn’t seriously abandoned him and Kili to their fates in an attempt to give themselves a better chance at surviving. _Had they?_

He wished that he could immediately say there was no way that they would do such a thing… but if history had taught him anything it was that he couldn’t rely on his uncles. They had let him down so many times with their casual dismissal of Kili’s well-being and happiness. It really would not be any surprise to him if he were to find out their uncles had bailed on them. He couldn’t expect them to do right by his brother -- or himself -- when things got tough.

Fili had been taking care of himself for a few years and now he was free to take care of his brother as well. Anyone who tried to get in the way of him doing that was going to be in for a rude awakening that would probably be accompanied by bruises.

That first day that Kili didn’t wake up, Fili forced himself to stay busy while he waited. There were preparations that needed to be made and things to take care of.

He first brought all of the family camping equipment in from the outer shed and then from the garage. With the power grids failing, he would need to utilize the generators that Thrain had insisted that they purchase plenty of. They wouldn’t last indefinitely, but they had a long life and they would allow him to still make use of electronics and other things he needed. They would last even longer if he only used them when he absolutely needed to. Luckily, the family had a nice sized camp stove that Fili set up on one of the counters in the kitchen. It had several fuel bottles so he wouldn’t have to worry about breaking into a sporting goods store for a little while at least. That piece of equipment allowed him to cook food for himself and make teas and soups to work down his brother’s throat.

Force feeding his unconscious brother was never something he thought he would ever have to do. It was nerve-wracking and it was messy, but it allowed him to replace the fluids that Kili was sweating out or choking up. He would put up with the mess if it gave Kili even the smallest increase in his chances of surviving this.

Once he had brought everything into the house, he locked the doors leading from the garage to the outside, and then he also locked the doors leading into the garage from the house. After that, he locked every door and every window in the house. He had seen no signs of any other survivors in the neighborhood, but he wasn’t willing to assume anything. While normally he would be willing to share any supplies he had with anyone who needed it, he refused to take the risk of giving anything away that could help keep Kili alive.

He’d make peace with his conscience when the worst was over and his little brother was on the mend.

After the house was as secure and locked down as it could be, he took time to search the extra rooms and Thrain’s room for weapons. The older men in the family liked to hunt and go to the shooting range, so he wasn’t really surprised at the number of guns he found in various places throughout the house. The one item that did catch him by surprise was the beautiful, almost new bow he located in one of Thrain’s closets.

The bow was pristine and had apparently been very well taken care of. There was a quiver full of arrows in the closet as well. He was no archer, but there was something about the arrows that didn’t seem quite right to his eyes. 

Deciding that it was a mystery best solved on another day, he stashed guns in the rooms closest to the bedroom he and Kili had taken over. In that room, he stashed the rest of his arsenal. The bow and quiver, he stored safely beneath the bed.

When all of that was done, he drank a small bottle of juice and then collapsed onto the mattress on the floor by Kili’s bed. He was exhausted so it didn’t take him long to fall into sleep.

 

When he woke up, he felt a lot better. His body seemed to be recovering well from his own bout with the virus, but he was still taking no chances. He made sure to drink a lot of fluids, he ate when he was hungry and he made sure to take what variations of vitamins he could find.

_And seeing how much fucking medication was stuffed into the cabinet in Kili’s bathroom had made him both angry and worried._ Why the fuck was Kili taking so much prescription medicine and why did he have what looked like every over the counter vitamin, supplement or medicine known to man?

Fili added that to the many other questions he had in his mind about the life Kili had been living that he had known very little of. He wanted to yell and shake someone until he got some satisfactory answers, but he didn’t have the luxury of doing that at the moment. He didn’t know if he would ever get that chance. After all, the one most responsible for whatever had happened to his brother was dead and rotting in the back yard. Of the other three people that could provide him with information, two were missing and one was so ill that Fili was afraid to leave him alone for any great length of time.

Fili got cleaned up and the brought some juice and a wet washcloth into the bedroom for Kili. He cleaned off his face and arms and then made sure that he dried his skin very well. He didn’t want his brother to get a chill and make his body go through even more stress with an added illness. He placed the cloth aside and pulled Kili up into a sitting position.

Kili never made a sound of response or protest and that made Fili’s stomach clench with worry.

Even when Fili rested his brother’s body against his own and forced his mouth open to drip some drops of water into it and down his throat, Kili didn’t respond until Fili massaged his neck and throat to get him to swallow. He repeated this a few times, desperate to make sure that his brother somehow managed to get fluids into him so he didn’t become dangerously dehydrated.

He laid him back down and once again cleaned his face.

He checked the doors and windows again before returning to the room where Kili was fighting for his life. He knew that he couldn’t just sit there and watch Kili struggling to breathe and fighting to survive because he would go insane. So, he brought in a couple of books as well as a notebook and several pens. When he wasn’t reading, he was writing.

The notebook was almost like a journal as Fili wrote down his thoughts, his fears, snippets of poetry or reports of the day. If Kili was talked about a lot within those pages, well, no one could blame him for that.

He didn’t know what alerted him that something had changed in the room, but he found himself pulled away from his writing to look around. He was trying to figure out what had disturbed him when he heard a sound that drew his attention to the bed.

Kili was thrashing on the bed, though not as violently as he had been before and he was making sounds that sounded like a mixture of weak cries and hoarse words.

Fili put his journal to the side as he switched positions so that he could sit on the bed next to his brother. He ran his hand through his hair and along the sides of his face as he murmured soft words to him. He didn’t think about what he might be saying, just that he needed to offer him comfort so that he would rest again.

“It’s okay, Kili, it’s all right. I’m here and you’re safe. You’re going to beat this and you’re going to get better.” He paused, taking a deep breath and he struggled to get his emotions back under control. “Please, little brother. You have to beat this and you have to come back. You’re all I have and I need you.”

Once Kili settled into silence again, Fili sighed. The longer Kili stayed unconscious, the more worried File became. He knew that according to the clock on his cell phone he had been mostly out of it for about two weeks. He had been here for over a week, but he had no idea how long his brother had been unconscious downstairs before he had found him.

He ran a hand over his face and then through his hair. He needed Kili to wake up because Fili wasn’t sure just how much more of this he could take. He hated feeling powerless and not knowing how to help his brother.

Deciding that Kili would be okay alone for a little while, Fili went to take a shower and get cleaned up. He was glad that the water was still working even though the electricity had cut out. While he had all of the generators, he didn’t know of any way to hook one up to the hot water heater and therefore, he was relegated to dealing with cold showers. It was annoying, but he was very thankful for the fact that they still had water. While it wasn’t as relaxing as a nice hot shower, at least he was still able to get nice and clean and let some of his thoughts either become more cohesive or just get washed away with the water and dirt.

When he went back into the bedroom, he went right for the closet. He got changed into clean clothes but when he turned around, he got the shock of his day.

Kili looked to be awake and he was following Fili’s every move with a pair of deep brown eyes. He didn’t speak as Fili shook himself out of his daze and walked back to the bed.

“Kili?”

Kili didn’t react to his name or to Fili’s approach to the bed. Fili wasn’t sure that Kili was even fully coherent, but seeing that his eyes were open gave him more hope for his brother’s recovery.

“Hey, Kee,” he said softly, sitting on the bed next to him. “How are you feeling?” When Kili didn’t answer, Fili cupped his cheek gently. “Your fever seems to be coming down which is really good news. I was worried for awhile there because it seemed to keep rising the longer you were unconscious.”

Kili didn’t say anything. In fact, he didn’t have any kind of reaction to Fili’s words or his touch. He just continued to watch him with no expression.

Fili frowned, becoming concerned all over again. “Come on, Kili, can’t you talk to me? I need to hear your voice again, my brother.”

Kili only sighed and then closed his eyes again. A moment later, Fili saw tears slipping from beneath his lashes. Before he could think of what to say to this, Kili’s body went slack against the bed once more.

Fili leaned down, trying not to panic and then sighed in relief. His brother was still breathing, he was just sleeping.

 

This behavior would continue over the next several days. Fili would help Kili eat and drink, and make sure he showered and used the bathroom, but his brother never spoke or reacted to much of anything that was happening around him. He offered no resistance at all when Fili would move him about.

The only time Fili saw him have even the smallest fraction of a change in his facial expressions was the few times they would be at the sink and Kili’s eyes would fall on the medicine cabinet. Then his forehead would wrinkle with tension and his mouth would twitch into the slightest frown before his face would melt back into the expressionless mask Fili had begun to hate.

As for the medications, there was no way that Fili was going to try to give any of them to Kili. For all he knew, they were the reason his brother was in such a state after waking up from the illness that had killed so many. Until he could actually talk to Kili about them and what had been happening to him, he wasn’t risking any of them even coming near his brother.

He didn't know how to deal with this new development. It was almost worse than when Kili was unconscious because now he was clearly awake but he _wasn't fucking responding to anything!_ This had been going on for a few days and Fili had no idea what to do.

"Won't you speak to me brother," he found himself begging at his little brother's side. "Won't you give me a sign that this damn virus hasn't managed to steal you away from me after all?"

For several long moments, it seemed that this night was going to end like all of the others; with Kili shedding silent tears as he fell asleep. This made Fili worry that everything his brother had been through and this damn fucking virus had broken something in his brother's mind that could never be retrieved or repaired.

He was surprised then, when as he got to his feet and turned away he felt a tug on his shirt. He probably could have pulled away if he wished to since the touch was so light, but he didn't want to. This was the first sign of any cognizant actions that Kili had shown since waking up. He looked down to see Kili's hand was tangled in the bottom of his shirt. He turned his head to see Kili's eyes focused on him and the confusion and fear within them broke his heart.

"Kili?"

When his brother finally spoke, he had to lean down because his voice was so faint. "Are you real?"


End file.
